Ivory Digits
"There is more to life..."
Chewing Cud
Home |Writing |Readables|Email

Chewing Cud
William M. Howard
October 28, 2010

Cows eat grass and hay.  But they don’t just bite and swallow.  They chew the cud.  They bring it back up to be chewed on again.  I guess it must taste good to them.
My life is like eating grass and those swallows don’t stay put and go away.  They come back up for me to chew on again and again.
These are bitter herbs to be bitten off to begin with and they don’t taste any better.  Oh, some were sugar coated at the start but the sweetness soon went away.  The core aggravated my palate.  I try to swallow hard to rid the lingering essence.  The cud regurgitates over and over.
Lately, I have been chewing the cud more and more.  I have been chewing on old plumes and even older plumes.  Some of which I have not thought of for a long time. 
My mind won’t let go.  So much cud of recent, even though fresh, the bitterness seems sharper.  I fear that I may be gnawing on anguish.  I look for sweet and flavorful.  I approach different tables thinking that the next meal laid out in front of me will satisfy.  The platters and bowls look filled with satisfying opportunities.  So, I partake in abundance.  I make the pass and eat.  But it would seem that the confection dessert at the latter end is the truest bitter portion.  And everything before adds to the meal of contempt and disgrace.
What are these things that keep coming back?  Mostly they are of people and their behavior and degrading attitude.  They were good in relationship to begin, hopeful and happy, easy to take.  With not much time passing, the dissing commences.  The honeymoon is soon to reveal truth in what we are.
My positive attitude is wearing away.
I am anxious about taking another bite at these tables.  I have enough cud and lingering bitterness.  I don’t want more of the same.
The nastiness is enhanced, if you want to say it like that, with an aging living carcass.  So, if there is not a pronounced irritation of mindful cud, there are irritations of the bone, joint and muscle. 
I try to chew on other sweeter thoughts.  Those are conjured mostly.  Yet some in the imagination even have their own apprehension and sharp edge of regret even before a real encounter occurs.  Like chewing on sour cud and I haven’t even swallowed it first.
Attempts are made over and over to take a spoon or ladle to scoop up something delicious and when I pull back, the utensil is void.

I see people enjoy the banquets.  They move down the table and enjoy their full plates never revealing what cud they urp up that is bitter.  Their cud may be exposed in their language and manner seeming happy and joyful.  Would I expect that they are cudless the way they just go on and on.  We all have cud we chew.

On the other hand, I try to offer morsels of service yet they ignore them and pass them by.  What is wrong with my offerings?  They would be sweet and enduring with lingering satisfaction and maybe a sweet chew later.  Well, I would like to think that there is that potential.  I am at the point of not even offering, not even trying.  So, this is another cud for me that is hard to swallow. 

I am chewing while writing this, a cud to churn over and over not letting go and bitter.

I’ll just stop and do something else or at least try before another urp creeps up and I gnaw again.



Ivory Digits
William M. Howard
10 Fish Ave.
PO Box 316
Jefferson, ME 04348-0316
(207) 214-7912

Copyright 2016 William M. Howard